Words to our 2003 soundtrack:

I read a thing that actually speaking in front of a crowd is the # 1 fear of the average person. I found that amazing. #2 is death. #2! So that means to the average person if you have to be at a funeral you would rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy.

Is this thing on?

It’s a weird internal exploration, but that’s what becoming a stand up comedian is, it’s a exploration into the self. You must explore and define yourself. And to the extent you succeed at that is the extent, I think that you will succeed as a comedian.

Would you please welcome….
Welcome to the Comedy Store….
Ladies and Gentlemen:…
Performances by : Sam Kennison, Jerry Seinfeld, Sandra Barnhart, Jim Carey, Richard Pryor, Damon Waynes...

Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome, please welcome, please welcome the one and only...

Eddie Murphy!

Thank you, Thank you.

I’ve got some rules, I’ve got some rules when I throw down, when I do my stand up, I got some rules and BEEP. Straight up.um, Old people that get offended easily, y'all should get the BEEP out right now.

Oscar Lavant said that ballet is the fairy’s football, I say “Yeah”.

Imagine you get a ballet choreographer working with a football team:
“Alright everybody line up, everyone line up! OH my god a smorgasbord, look at this. Alright, who’s the tight end? Fabulous, you stay right there, I love you, OK.”

“Alright, What I want you to do is a simple pattern. Everybody go long, do this, attempt to catch the ball. Everyone else pile on in for as long as possible. Referee throw the flag, throw the flag, throw the flag. I love it , . I love it ,

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Oh great. GREAT! I blew it already. Good evening ladies and gentlemen, can you get any more trite or boring than that? I DON”T THINK SO! Here I am trying to impress these…judges… and I start with the oldest phrase in the history of show business good evening ladies and gentlemen. Something completely forgettable, when what I’m trying to do is be remembered up here.

The first goal of the stand up comedian is the five minute routine:

Bush is amazing. He’s against abortion but for capital punishment. Spoken like a true fisherman, Throw ‘em back , kill ‘em when they’re bigger.

The five minute routine consists of 4 subjects , 4 different subjects:

A friend of mine has a car phone. He has an answering machine on that car phone. The message is “Hi I’m at home right now….

Three jokes within each subject:

.. so I can’t come to the phone, but if you leave your name and number I’ll call you when I’m out.

So if you do the math, I’ll hold go ahead…..

that’s 12 jokes for 12 laughs in a 5 minute routine.

No respect at all. No Respect, no respect at all.
Hear about the Polish guy who won a gold medal and had it bronzed?

I met a guy last week who had a problem, he was half Polish half Italian. He went to beat someone up and he forgot who.

My cousin’s gay, I always kid him and tell him in the family tree he’s the fruit section.

Hear about the Polish guy who locked his keys in the car and had to get a hanger to get his family out?

I’ve got my own problems, I’m half Jewish half Japanese, in fact I was circumcised at Bennehana.

She was fat too. She got on the scale and the card came out and said one at a time!

That’s the story of my life, no respect. I don’t get no respect at all, are you kidding, no respect from anyone, are you kidding, its not easy, not easy.

And I have a lot of self -esteem…

Which is amazing because I’m probably somebody who wouldn’t necessarily have a lot of self -esteem as I am considered a minority.

And if you are a woman, if you are a person of color, if you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, if you are a person of size, if you are a person of intelligence, if you are a person of integrity, then YOU are considered a minority in this world.

If you don’t have self -esteem you will hesitate before you do anything in your life:

You will hesitate to go for the job you really want to go for.
you will hesitate to ask for a raise.
you will hesitate to call yourself an American.
you will hesitate to defend yourself when you are discriminated against because of your race, your sexuality, your size, your gender.
you will hesitate to vote, you will hesitate to dream.

For us to have self-esteem is truly an act of revolution and OUR revolution is long overdue.

I urge you today, especially today in these times of terrorism and chaos, to love yourselves without reservation, and to love each other without restraint……

Unless you’re into leather!

Here I am...trying to impress these....judges, and I started with the oldest phrase in the history of show business "good evening ladies and gentlemen." Something completely forgettable when all I'm trying to do is be remembered.


Thank you, Thank you.
I gotta go, thank you, you have been a wonderful audience,
Thank you everybody.

Good night.